The Dark Days That Follow

I'm sure you've heard of dogs having separation anxiety? And all the suggested remedies flooding Google and Facebook. I'm that dog. And there is no remedy.

It started at a very young age. I was always with my mom, especially since she worked from home. So when situations came up that caused me to be away from her I crumbled. My first vivid recollection of this was catching the school bus on the first day of Kindergarten. My poor mom must have been so embarrassed. Even more so when it continued on every day for the better part of the year. I know this is a common occurrence for children. Starting school is scary!

I never grew out of it, though. I become very attached to people and struggle with being away from them. Maybe it stems from the permanent separation from my mom when she passed away. Maybe it's just how I'm wired. It doesn't really matter why or how this became an issue for me, though. It's how I react. The dark days that follow when I become separated. I think the easiest scenario of this for people to understand is when it relates to my daughter. I worked outside of the home for most of my daughter's life but we were still together all the time. Even more so after I got married and we moved to Olympia, away from all her friends. So when my husband and I dropped her off for college, despite me insisting we stick around for one too many days, I literally lost my shit. We had about a 6 hour drive home with a pitstop 4 hours in at my sister's house for dinner. I refused to let my husband drive, cried the entire time and wouldn't speak. I tried to play it off that I was fine when we arrived at my sister's but it didn't take long for her to see through that. At least I have a great support system! That should help, right? It does help when I let them in. Unfortunately, when I'm experiencing the separation anxiety I shut the world out, close the blinds and shades, turn off all the lights and give in to the literal darkness for days on end. Darkness, crying, removing myself from the world and shutting everyone out. It's not "normal" or healthy so obviously I had to figure out a better way to live in the dark days that follow separating from people. People come and go, that's natural. It's always the worst when it's my daughter or my husband but I experience it with all my family and friends. I crave social interaction; need to be around people. So all I had to do was learn to need to be by myself. Sounds easy enough. I do things by myself all the time. I'm actually very comfortable being alone. So why is it so difficult in the days following separation? My first step towards resolving this was letting go of figuring out the why. I feel sad when people leave or I leave people. It's ok to feel sad. Asking why isn't going to make me feel better. Or maybe there isn't an explanation at all. Then, from the advice of a girlfriend, I removed the label. Instead of labeling it "separation anxiety" I allowed myself to feel how I was feeling, embrace the sadness, journal about my emotions, learn from all of it and mostly - give myself the grace to feel. It can be very scary to feel. It's a raw state of mind that makes us very vulnerable so this one was tough for me at first and still is at times. Yes, I still go through the dark days. I still cry after a visit with my daughter. I still struggle to return to my normal activities after having company. This past month I've had a slew of company at my house and honestly the dark days between got interrupted by the next visitor so much so that I am still struggling. I experienced some pretty fierce emotions, anger, exhaustion and a psychological inability to write. I haven't been able to put my thoughts to paper for weeks now. And that's ok. I'm ok with allowing myself to navigate as necessary during difficult times so that I come out stronger from it. And here I am writing! I went through the dark days that follow and came out even better on the other end! Insightful and comfortable with the fact that I allowed myself the time I needed to heal. And feel.