Silence

Sometimes saying nothing at all is the most powerful message. We're surrounded by so much noise in this world. People rambling on about nothing. Friends catching up over lunch. Mothers speaking softly to their children. Sports fans cheering on their teams. Sisters laughing about their crazy adventures. I'm always trying to listen to all of it. Making sure I'm present in the moment. Trying not to miss an important message camouflaged by the other meaningless words. In case someone needs me. But as I sit here in silence I'm acutely aware that what I might actually be missing are the words unspoken. Because more times than not I find myself not speaking the words I need people to hear. Suffering in silence so I'm not a burden. Swallowing words I want to scream out so I don't let people down. Questioning if the words in my head are even my own thoughts. Slowly but defiantly doubting each syllable that makes its way to the tip of my tongue.

A friend recently told me that I always listen to her when she's stressed but I never give her the opportunity to hear what's stressing me out. It seems so much easier to keep things to myself. Until I don't and it spills out like a tsunami and takes out all the people that love me because they're completely caught off guard by it. I guess I will have to learn how to create a tsunami warning to break through the silence a little at a time. Like small waves crashing onto the beach.

It took me over 30 years to find my voice. To realize I could speak up for myself. Finding creative ways to share my opinion to see if it mattered or was at least worthy of someone hearing it. Accepting, with a lot of trepidation, that I had a name and was my own person. A person with a voice. A daughter. A mother. A sibling. A friend. But also, Shana. So now is not the time for me to lose my voice but I fear that is the direction I'm taking. Today I refuse to let that happen but tomorrow I might lose that confidence. I'm definitely more comfortable in the silence but at what cost. My tribe is a strong one and there's no reason to not let them in. I'm the person rambling, the friend catching up, the mother speaking to her daughter, the occasional sports fan and the sister laughing about our life adventures. I'm also the person suffering in silence. It's a powerful message that I'm putting out in the world. I know who will get the message, they're already responding. And that's where my silence will end.