Selfishly Shana

In todays version of the ramblings of a fisherman's wife...

I always tell my sister I'm so consumed with myself I'm really bad at asking other people how they're doing. I can talk about myself all day long. I think I'm funny, I love to tell a good story and I have a lifetime of experiences to share. That obviously makes me the most selfish person in the world. Or does it? I do genuinely care about people and I know peoples life stories so at some point I must stop talking about myself long enough to listen. From the outside, though, I'm unsure how I come across to people. On one hand, that is gut wrenchingly sad to me, thinking of the awful person my selfish personality makes me come across as. On the other hand, though, I've worked hard on myself to live as I see fit without bearing the weight of what other people think. Or the even heavier weight of what I ASSUME other people think of me. I know most of us carry this heavy burden. It's a challenging balance.

Recently I've done a lot of soul searching, journaling and connecting with people who are good to the core and naturally share this positive energy with the world. What I've learned is that we have to take care of ourselves first so we are healthy enough to give ourselves to others if we choose. I know this isn't some secret I've uncovered. I'm not taking any credit for this idea. ;-) It was a secret to me, though. I was raised by one of the most selfless people this world has ever encountered. An angel on earth. Growing up I watched her give all of herself to others. Her husband. Her kids. Me, so much me. Her friends. The neighbors. The daycare kids. The daycare parents. Instead of striving to be like her I took all the love she gave me, even when she barely had any left to give. Selfish from the start. I wish I could go back and tell her that I would be ok and she didn't have to take care of everything for me. That there would be a day when I would survive on my own, without her help. And that I would even be able to take care of a tiny human and myself at the same time. Maybe then she could have had the opportunity to breathe and guiltlessly take care of herself for once. I can only imagine the experiences she would have had if given the chance to do anything she wanted for herself. I can't go back though. I can only live a life I wish she had the chance to live and one that she would be proud of me for. Living like my daughter tells me and my sisters to - live in the moment. A selfish life in which I put myself before others so that when others need me I have an abundance of love and energy to give them.

If you ask me how I'm doing and it leads into an exhaustingly long story after which I don't ask you how you're doing know that my selfishness does grow from good intentions. If you interrupt my story to tell me you need my help I will jump at the opportunity. I will give all of myself to help you because I haven't drained myself of all the love I have to give. I constantly nurture it so it's there for you when you need it. If by some rare chance I ask you how you're doing first, I will genuinely listen to your story and then tell you mine without you even having to ask. Because I'm selfish like that. Selfishly Shana.

The Selfless Angel On Earth