Saying Goodbye

Last Friday, November 25th, my family and I spread my parents ashes together at O.O. Denny Park in Kirkland, WA, per my dad's request. My mom passed away in August 2000. My dad passed away in November 2021. He lived a long time without her but always told us his wish was for their ashes to be spread together at this park where we spent many family outings together. It was a cold, dreary, wet day in Washington. Unlike the dry sunny Thanksgiving we enjoyed the day before. Obviously, that didn't stop us. My sister's husband brought a canopy to keep us girls from getting our hair wet. We toasted them with shots of Crown for our dad/Ralph/papa and champagne (yes, shots) for our mom/Patty/nana in little red solo cups at an old picnic table under the canopy. Then we all walked down to the water. Our best friend and chosen sister following along snapping pictures and videos. The men holding umbrellas over our heads. We all said our goodbyes in our own way, tears flowing, each spreading ashes for both of them. Afterwards it seemed like the rain had stopped so we put down the umbrellas, emerged from our hooded raincoats only to have our breath taken away by an amazing sunset. Such a perfect way for them to let us know they're ok and reassuring us that we'll be ok.

Afterwards we all headed to my parents old date night spot, hangout, bar, whatever you want to call it. It's a Chinese restaurant that has been around longer than most of us. We marched in there like we owned the place, passed the hostess stand into a dark room with chairs turned upside down on the tables and boxes of inventory on the bar. It was a bit of a gut punch. As we returned to the lobby, heads hung low, we encountered the owner. We all attempted to tell our story, defend our purpose. The woman explained they haven't had a bartender in 3 years, tried to hire a couple of us in the chaos of our ramblings and desperate attempts to have a drink in our parents bar, but she got the message. She knew the importance and she opened that bar for us. For our parents. We did the work of setting up the chairs, she brought us ice and wine, we ordered food we weren't even hungry for and we were able to sit in a place that held significance to our parents, tell stories, order their usual drinks and even laugh. It was undeniably the best way for us to say goodbye. We were together making new memories where they had held many.

Saying goodbye is never easy. There's no right time for a person to go. There's no magical age where it feels ok for them to all of a sudden be gone from our life. Losing loved ones is the hardest times I've ever gone through. It never gets any easier. Each loss leaves me with so many questions. Questions I'll never have answers to. It's such a hollow feeling. And loss has hit me just as hard no matter what stage of life I'm in. I was young when my mom passed away and it was devastating and debilitating. It wasn't my first experience with loss but that didn't make it any easier. And I knew it wouldn't be my last experience with it either but that realization only set me up for more heartache as I lost other loved ones throughout my life. Heartache shared by all because none of us are immune to it. Pain that we feel all the way to our core so we can process our grief in a way that is personal and meaningful to us. It's an uncharted map each person must navigate on their own in order to find their way in a world that drastically changed.

The only thing that eases the pain of loss for me is my family and friends. Being around people I know love me unconditionally allows me to be candid about how I'm feeling. Leaving mascara smudges on someones shoulder from an all out messy cry without either of us caring about it, laughing so hard together that I literally pee my pants, sitting on a couch in pj's making a mess of dinner together without napkins while binging Netflix to avoid the reality of life, staying out past bedtime to dance like no one is watching. These people, these are the people that matter. These are the people that help ease the pain of saying goodbye. I keep these people close to me. You know who you are.